28 July 2006
Nora
This is dedicated to Jacqueline becuase I found out she goes on this site a lot. And I just wanted to tell her how I feel sometimes.
I know, of course, that I can always talk to my friends about it. But I just feel like sometimes they never can understand and that just makes me upset sometimes. They say they wish they could, but that's not what I mean at all. For them to understand how I feel, they would have to had gone through the same thing I did, and I don't wish that on anyone in the world.
At camp this year, I talked to Leigh Monahan about it. She told me something that Collon told her when Mike died. Collon said, "Everyone has a purpose in this world. And you will probably never know that purpose. But once you have surved the purpose, whether it's making someone happy or wiser, then God can let you go." And when she told me that, I said I had to go change to long pants. I have been thinking about what Leigh told me. I didn't believe it, or understand it at first. It just seems confusing and unreal. Leigh also told me something else that I didn't understand at first. Only the good die young. I thought about both of these quotes. And today, 2 days later, they seem like puzzle pieces that I finally figured out went together. It does make sense. I guess, for Carrie to serve her purpose, whatever it was, she had to go through pain, and she had to get lukiemia. And as for the good dying young, that makes sense because the good serve their purpose faster.
Before I would think all the time, why did God choose Carrie out of everyone else in the world? Why not someone else who was older and ready to die. Why did he have to put everyone through so much pain before he finally took her out of this world? I would wish I could go back to the summer before first grade and tell the doctors to check her bone marrow. But I realize, if Carrie hadn't died, my life wouldn't be the same at all. Maybe I wouldn't even be happy. Maybe I would still be an immature 3rd grader. I have grown so much from this experience, and even though I don't wish it upon anyone at all, I guess a lot of good has come with this. I am a lot wiser. I have made lots of new friends from this experience, at Camp Care and Heartlight. At her wake, her friends. I have learned to always live in the present because you never know what will happen next. Whether it's good, or bad, something good comes from everything. I have learned so much from this experience. I've become a different person. I keep things bottled up, because I don't know who to talk to anymore. I do talk to Leigh ever since camp and she gave that fabulous advice. I just loved Carrie so much.
I am a very fortunate girl. I have a home, a wonderful family, I have hidden talents even if I haven't found them yet...
And I have wonderful friends
Thanks so much for listening to me for like an hour at camp Jacqueline. Thanks so much for listening to me, all my friends, when I must bore you to death. I love all my friends and I am very lucky to have every single one of them. I love all of you.
Carrie died 3 years ago, and though I will never actually get over her death, and there will always be a little part of me missing, it will be like a scar. There will be a mark there forever, but it will slowly heal, slowly fade. I feel like I'm getting further and further away from her every day, every minute, but Leigh and Jacqueline have taught me, if I just keep talking about her, and remember her every day, even if it makes me sad, if I remember something about her every day, I'll get closer and closer to her.
I hope that whoever read this, will gain something from this. I love my friends, and thank you for standing by me when I embarrassed you, when I annoyed you, when I angered you, and when I cried on you.