Attention

It seems to me sometimes that we only remember Carrie on her birthday, her death day and sometimes around holidays. I realize that I think of her more on her birthday, for sure. It sucks that I don't get to come home to her warm embracing hugs, and to hear that she loves me more than anything. Instead, I get to come home to an almost empty house. Which kinda sucks. But it's okay. When it's not her birthday, waves of sadness still washes over me like I'm underwater in the ocean or something. I realize that she is still with me, no matter how cheesy that sounds.

It's her birthday today. None of my friends knew. Why would they, I don't know their siblings birthdays? But it's all I could think about. When I was younger, I would want to be sad, almost, to keep her spirit alive. I realize now how wrong I was when I was younger. I realize the only way to keep her alive is to be happy. Which is exactly what I did today. I laughed a lot with my friends, and helped out the kindergardners, and worked hard at my schoolwork. But I always knew it was her golden birthday, and I wouldn't be able to see her for it. It's the 5th year I haven't shared her birthday with her.

None of my friends knew how upset I was, which is how I usually like it. Except, I realized today that I wasn't sad. I knew it was her birthday, but birthdays are supposed to be happy. Sure, it's upsetting that I can't spend it with her, but I'm still celebrating the day she was born, and therefore I am celebrating the life I spent with her. I know that she is looking down on me. Right now, for all I know, watching me type this about her. And I know she's proud of me for how I handled it. I'm just glad, because I finally realized that her birthday is no time to be sad. It's a time to be happy, to celebrate. Why else do we have cake on our birthdays? Cake is for no normal occassion!

But then I get to thinking, how come we don't have cake on Carrie's birthday? Is it because she's not here to enjoy it with us? How come we don't have a party. Mom says it because her friends wouldn't be able to be able to come, you know? Since they're all at college and all.

But THEN I get to thinking that we do celebrate it, even if it's not a party. Like tonight, we played a board game with the whole family, because it was the thing she wanted to do on her last night.

All I know is Carrie's birthday is a weird one. I know this because of all the questions it brings up, and I know because of my friend Greta's reaction when I told her it was her reaction.

"Oh my God! Tell her...I mean, Happy Birthday Carrie! How old is sh--sh-she?" Stuttering a little bit, she had no clue what to say. Normally it's, "How old is she? Tell her happy birthday." But obviously I couldn't tell her Happy Birthday, and she wasn't sure if saying, "How old would she be?" would offend me. But it wouldn't have. Because I know she's dead. That sounds bad, I know that. People worry about offending me, but all I have to say is I know the facts. I know it's her birthday, and I know that I won't get to spend another one with her. And yes. It makes me cry. Like I'm crying right now. Because she WOULD BE 23. But instead, she's 18, and she always will me, no matter how unfortunate that fact is.

But the other fact is, it's her birthday. Just because she's not getting older doesn't mean we can't celebrate her life.

Carrie would have liked us to keep living. So I plan to keep doing that. I've finally realized that I don't have to be sad all the time to keep her alive, even though some of my friends misinterpret it that I do. People don't understand, so I'm hoping that this essay will possibly, maybe, conceivably give people a better idea of how I feel about holidays. The fact is, that it sucks without her. But holidays are holidays, and her birthday is her birthday. I don't want to go to the cemetary, thanks. I would rather remember her in a way she would want to be remembered.

Getting my thoughts out can be hard sometimes, so I apologize if my thoughts don't make sense to you. All I'm saying is that her birthday can be hard, but I had fun and she was always in my mind, the whole day. I love her soo much. So thanks Carrie, thanks for being born. You have made everyone you knew a better person. Especially me. So I love you for that and so much more. Happy Birthday. I hope you get that car you wanted.